If someone tells you they’ve had surgery or been ill, is it rude to ask for details, such as the nature of the illness? My sister says it is: If the person wanted to tell you, they would volunteer the information. I see her point, but perhaps the person doesn’t want to give more details unless we express interest in them. Not everyone wants to know. So is it more polite to say, “May I ask what the illness was?” Or is it better to leave it alone?  —KATHRYN

You and your sister offer plausible readings of an encounter. Balancing the risks, though, I would go with her approach. It is kinder to respect people’s privacy about health matters (that don’t affect us) and to avoid asking them to recount possibly traumatic events than it is to pose potentially unwanted follow-up questions. A general statement of support (“I’m sorry for your troubles”) works fine. And with close friends, you may add: “I’m here to talk if you want to.” This has the additional benefit of putting the person who was ill in charge of the conversation.
—Adapted from “Social Q’s” in The New York Times Magazine