How do we tell a dear old friend that we no longer want to eat in restaurants with her? She’s often unkind to waiters—always looking to find fault and, when she does, she harasses workers until she gets something for free or they reduce her bill. We’re uncomfortable with this and embarrassed for the waiters. We mostly avoid restaurants by inviting her to our place for meals, but we can’t do that forever. —JOE
Don’t be “embarrassed for the waiters”—defend them! It’s wrong to stand by silently while your friend routinely bullies workers who have less power than she does. Next time, speak up: “Please stop treating the waiter disrespectfully.” Or tell her directly that’s why you choose not to dine out with her.
There are plenty of times when keeping quiet is a fine approach. We’re not generally in charge of our friends’ behavior. But letting cruelty slide (or inventing white lies to cover your reluctance to meet your friend at restaurants) isn’t OK in my book.
—Adapted from “Social Q’s” in The New York Times Magazine