Is It Ethical to Gossip?

January 6, 2025

Humans may be hardwired to gossip. It’s one of our oldest social behaviors, according to anthropologists, a way of spreading news that helped the species to survive—including warnings about who among us might be up to no good.

So it should come as no surprise that talking about others comes naturally to most people. Get together with family or friends, and before long you’re talking about a cousin, a classmate, or that pop singer who’s getting married—again. We seem to have an insatiable appetite for information about other people’s lives, especially the drama they may not want out in the open.

Not all of this talk is harmless. Teens who’ve been the targets of gossip have suffered from low self-esteem, isolation, and serious mental health problems. If gossip can do as much harm as it does good, we might ask: Is it ethical to gossip? An evolutionary psychologist and a psychotherapist face off on the question.

These days, gossip has a shady reputation. We think of the juicy little stories or rumors that jealous people pass around in the quiet corners of the room or on social media, the kind of malicious talk that undermines society. But I’d argue that gossip, in a larger sense, can help form healthy social relationships, and it may even be what makes society as we know it possible.

Gossiping can be a way of showing that you enjoy another’s company, of passing the time of day in pleasantly inconsequential conversation—in other words, bonding.

Spending time in idle chatter is how we find out about the state of the world—the new movie on Netflix, the new album by our favorite singer, the new book by our favorite author. It’s also how we update our knowledge of the state of our social network—who has fallen out with whom, who has a new boyfriend, who got into what college and who didn’t. Through gossip, the kinds of knowledge that would take hours of direct interaction to discover for oneself can circulate around a community in a matter of minutes, helping to keep everyone up-to-date.

Gossip can be a way of building community, if we choose.

Of course, our natural instincts can get the better of us. Gossip often descends into showing our disapproval of others or sharing our pleasure in seeing others in potentially embarrassing situations. This kind of gossip can damage the friendships we depend on in a community. It’s a regrettable consequence of the intense interest we take in one another. And it comes out of the need we have to communicate our feelings about others to secure our own place in the group.

But we can use our face time with friends to build community—if we choose to do so—and that’s what most gossip does. Intimate talk with another person is a basic human need and strengthens our sense of belonging.

The bottom line is that not all gossip is bad for you. It’s what you use that time to say that’s important.

—ROBIN DUNBAR
Evolutionary psychologist, University of Oxford

Gossip is inherently unethical, no matter how we try to rationalize it.

We might tell ourselves that sharing gossip helps us bond with others, because in the moment we feel a sense of belonging. But it’s only a false sense of closeness, what researcher Brené Brown calls “common enemy intimacy.” I prefer living by another principle: The author Don Miguel Ruiz calls it “being impeccable with your word.” That means speaking without malice toward others, not just to avoid harming them but to avoid harming yourself. I’ve certainly fallen into the trap of rationalizing gossip as a way of “processing my feelings” about someone else. But there’s a fine line between processing our feelings and gossiping, and deep down we know the difference. Gossip involves belittling others, judging their actions, and seeking to elevate ourselves by tearing them down. But how elevating is that? Do we really see ourselves as the kind of people who put others down just to feel better about ourselves?

Gossip erodes genuine connection and trust.

If we truly want to embody the idea of being impeccable, we should refrain even from harshly judging celebrities and public figures. I participated in a reality TV show and experienced the sting of cruel words. Now as I watch these shows, I ask myself why I find satisfaction in these people’s misfortune, and I remind myself that they’re not mere characters but complex people with their own struggles. I’ve found that the less I judge others, the more I free myself from self-judgment and the fear of others’ opinions.

Encountering someone who speaks negatively about others is a significant red flag for me. If I value trust and integrity in my relationships, I can’t reconcile these with the act of gossiping. Ultimately, gossip erodes genuine connection and trust—maybe my confidante is spreading rumors about me—making it impossible to uphold ethical relationships. But by embracing empathy and compassion in our conversations, we not only uplift others, we also enrich our own lives.